Another blog about listening…

Have you ever had someone ask you what’s wrong only to have them completely dismiss what you say or how you feel when you do tell them? Why do they even ask to start with if they are just going to dismiss your feelings anyway? This has happened to me on more than one occasion and it sucks!

There are few things worse when it comes to having your feelings hurt or being upset, than to tell someone why your feelings are hurt or what you’re upset about than to have them to tell you you’re wrong for feeling that way. Oh, I’m sorry! I guess I didn’t get the memo of Ways You’re Allowed to Feel When Your Feelings Have Been Hurt. 

The thing is, there are no rules when it comes to feelings. None. Nadda. Zilch. You disagree? Then I’m betting you’re one of those people who ask what’s wrong but then immediately try to fix the situation without truly understanding what the problem really is. Stop it! Don’t do that! It’s rude (and arrogant) and it just makes the situation worse.

If you truly don’t care what’s wrong and just want to avoid the situation altogether then avoid it. Don’t try to pretend like you want to know what’s wrong, only to jump to the defense because whatever is wrong may somehow be slightly tied to something you may or may not have done. If you don’t want to listen…really listen…to what the person is going to tell you, then don’t ask…plain and simple. 

If you do truly care because this person is someone you are close to and someone you love, then ask BUT be prepared to just listen! Don’t immediately become defensive or think you need to somehow fix the situation. Maybe what’s wrong is the fact that you don’t listen. Think of this as an opportunity for you to grow and develop your listening skills. You’re welcome!

I know for me, the injustices are often minor. Maybe it’s just a weird little funk I’m in and something has been said or done that has hurt my feelings. It’s typically not a big deal and something I get over pretty quickly…UNLESS…I tell the person who hurt my feelings and they immediately go into the whole “you always…”, “that’s not true…” or (my personal favorite) “you’re wrong…”. If this is how I feel and they’re MY feelings, how am I wrong? Is that NOT how I feel because, you know, it sure feels like that’s how I feel. Once again, maybe I missed the memo on how I’m allowed to feel in these situations. (shrug)

The point is, if someone you love is upset and you’re going to ask them what’s wrong, don’t dismiss what they tell you. Maybe they are being a little over-dramatic in your eyes but to them, the feelings are very real. When you dismiss their feelings or what they have to say, you’re dismissing them and everything about them. You’re showing them you don’t really care how they feel as long as it doesn’t somehow directly affect you. You dismissing how they feel or telling them they are wrong is only going to alienate them. You’re sending the message that when you say “what’s wrong”, what you’re really saying “what did I do that I’m about to become defensive about and tell you you’re wrong for thinking so please just keep your opinions to yourself”.  

So please, just stop. Stop asking people what’s wrong only to jump to the defensive because you feel this is somehow about you. It’s really not. I know that’s hard t believe because it probably usually is all about you but in this case, it’s not about you. It’s about someone you love, needing to vent or share how they feel, openly and honestly without feeling like they are going to be ridiculed for feeling a way that doesn’t mesh with your ideas , thoughts and opinions. Trust me…your loved ones will appreciate it!