Saying Thank You...

I was raised in the deep south where manners were ingrained into our tiny little heads from the time we could utter sounds that vaguely resembled fragments of words. No ma'am, yes ma'am, no sir, yes sir, please, thank you or any combination of these such as yes, please or thank you ma'am were as common to our speech as saying howdy to people in passing or shaking the preachers hand on Sunday morning. There were just some things you did no matter what. It's the way I was raised, the way my mother was raised, and her mother before her, and her mother before her, and well, you get the picture.

A big part of "proper manners" was saying thank you. Even if it wasn't something I was particularly thankful for, I was told to always thank someone if they gave me something or do something for me. I was taught it's not the gift that counts, it's the idea behind the gift. If someone takes time out of their life to think of me, the right thing to do is say thank you. The idea of giving thanks is pretty basic... a gift is given, acknowledgement is made (recipient has been made aware of gift and giver's identity) and thanks is given typically in the form of a hug and/or handshake along with a very sincere and heartfelt ”thank you!”. End of story. Or so I thought.

A couple of years ago, I made a major faux pas in giving thanks and was only recently made aware of just how big of a mistake it was viewed by some. In all honesty, I'm still not sure WHY exactly it was a big deal, although I am trying. It all started when Mr. Rambling surprised me by asking me to be his wife. The question was popped, the answer was given (yes!) and plans were made. Things were moving along nicely when another surprise popped up. A surprise bridal shower!

My daughter, who also happened to be my matron-of-honor, drove in from Arkansas and my sister drove down from our hometown in the Florida panhandle. On the day of the shower, I found myself surrounded by family and friends, both new and old. The women who meant the most to me at that time in my life were there to share in the celebration. We played games, talked and had a blast. I was also lucky enough to receive several wonderful gifts...many of them gift cards for some of my favorite stores along with some very nice items for our new home. I was on top of the world and couldn’t believe how very lucky I was to be so blessed. I personally thanked every single person for being there and for the gifts I had received. I posted about the event on FaceBook and thanked everyone again for all of the amazing gifts but more importantly for simply being there for me and showing me how very blessed I was and still am. I felt really good about it...until about a year later.

You see, I'm not a "thank you card" person. Now let me clarify here and say I always say thank you...I just don't send thank you cards.  I never send cards because I much prefer to call someone and thank them personally, or if they are there when I receive the gift, then hug them and tell them right then and there how much it meant to me that they thought of me. For the bridal shower I decided a special occasion deserved special thanks so I purchased thank you cards and sent them out....or so I thought!

You see, the thank you cards for the bridal shower gifts got filled out, put in envelopes and even addressed...they just never made it to the mail box. Somehow, even though I had filled them out and set them to the side and thought I had mailed them, I came across them again a few weeks ago in a box of odds and ends from the wedding. When I remarked to a friend about it and what had happened, I had expected something along the lines of “well at least you found them so better late than never” or “it's been so long now you might as well just forget about it...besides you already thanked everyone personally anyway when you got the stuff”. What I got was “What do you mean you never sent them out?!”.

I explained again and then spent the next forty-five minutes listening to what an incredibly horrible faux pas this was. She even went so far as to point out that some of the things I have been “excluded” from over the past year were not just little oversights as I felt but were actually me being deliberately dismissed from my group of friends. Now I'm not sure about that since I would like to think it would take something more than that to be "ousted" from a group a group of friends but it did make me stop and think about how things like this are viewed by different people. I even spent way more time than I should have searching the internet for “thank you card” etiquette...and trust me, there's a LOT of it out there!

So...how do you feel on this subject? Are thank you cards really that important and do you see the person NOT sending one in a more negative light. Even if the person thanked you personally and sincerely for your thoughtfulness, do you still feel slighted if you don't receive a Thank You card? If so, why?

As for my thank you cards, I am not going to mail them at this point. The wedding and Bridal Shower were almost a year and a half ago and to me, sending them at this point would be just a little weird. What would you do if you were in this situation? I'm very interested to see what you have to say so please leave a comment or you can email me at ramblings.of.a.crazy.woman.4u@yahoo.com and tell me how you would handle this situation. I look forward to hearing from you!

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Your feedback is always welcomed, encouraged and appreciated! Much love and peace to all!

Perceptions

A few days ago, my husband Mark and I were driving along when we came up behind a car that was smoking horribly and really did not look safe to be on the road. Mark uttered a comment about the guy needing to fix his car and I concurred. After a couple of minutes I started thinking about it and thought of how quick people are to jump to conclusions based on very little information. We automatically assumed the man driving the car was the owner and that for some unknown reason, simply hadn't taken the time to fix it. As we talked, we started looking at it from a different angle.

How do we know it was even his car? How do we know that he's not a husband and father who has been struggling to simply get by in a poor economy and there is no money for car repairs? How do we know that he didn't just recently purchase the car because it was smoking but he knows it's a minor issue and is taking it for repairs or to repair it himself? Better yet, why does it matter?

We are often quick to make assumptions about people and go on very few details to form an opinion. The mother who is constantly posting on social sites, telling her friends and family how tight money is and isn't sure how they will make it, yet posts a few days later about getting her hair done or going for a massage. We assume that if she weren't spending money on these frivolities, she would't have so many money issues. How do we know she paid to have her hair done or for the massage? Perhaps it was a gift from a friend or family member.

What about the young mother in the grocery store with an unkempt child? We automatically assume she must be a bad mother if she couldn't even take the time to wash the child and dress him or her properly before taking them out. Perhaps she has been caring for a sick loved one and only had a few short minutes to make a run to the store. Perhaps she just picked the child up from a play date and needed to make a quick stop at the store on her way home. Or worse...what if she didn't clean the child and dress them because she has no home to do so. Perhaps she is living in her car or worse, on the streets and is using the few measly dollars she has to purchase food to get through one more day.

It's very easy to make assumptions on people we come into contact with on a daily basis based on nothing more than what we see. Why do we do that? Why do most of us assume the worse rather than giving people the benefit of the doubt? I know I am as guilty as anyone but recently I have found myself trying to be more objective about people that cross my paths.

The guy racing in and out of traffic may be an aggressive driver but he may also be a husband or father that has received an emergency call and is trying desperately to reach his loved ones. The waitress rushing through her shift and not giving customers the attention they need should possibly chose a new profession or maybe she's just a worried mom with a sick child at home. She couldn't afford to call in but can't wait to get back home. The boss who is snapping at employees and being difficult to deal with may just be a jerk or perhaps he is struggling with a personal issue that is slowly tearing him up inside and he simply has no idea of how to deal with it.

Whatever the reason, we have all been that aggressive driver, that distracted employee or the co-worker that snaps at others for no apparent reason. We don't mean to but for some reason beyond our control, something has happened in our lives that consume us and our actions to the point that we don't stop to think how others perceive us. We assume that people somehow know we have some major crisis going on in our lives and should be more understanding. Perhaps we should be more understanding. Rather than allowing our perception of someone to be based on something very simple that's in front of our eyes, we should take the time to think there is more there than what meets the eye. It's like the old saying goes...when you assume, you make an ass of u and me.

She doesn't need me anymore...

The day it happens catches you by surprise. One day your child is a baby, looking you to fulfill his or her every need, then one day, without warning, they don't need you anymore. They are suddenly all grown up, standing on their own, making their way in the world. How did this happen or better yet, when?!

Some people will argue that they will always need their mom or they will always need their dad but the truth is, there are times when they don't. For me, that time has happened many times over and I'm sure other parents have felt the same. Heck, I'm pretty sure I put my mom through it more times than she could count if she were still here. Most recently though, it seems as though something has changed. This time feels different from the rest. This time, I've been replaced.

When my daughter left home and got married, there were times when I knew she needed to stand on her own and be her own woman. There were other times though that as a new mom, she needed to hear her mom tell her she was doing the right thing or possibly guide her in the right direction. The calls would come at all times, day and night, whether from another room, across town or several states away. Each call let me know that she still needed me and my guidance in her life. Over time the calls became less frequent as she found her own footing and started raising her family. Every so often, a call would still come with a plea for help. Whether it was potty training, sibling rivalry or just a little one asserting her own independence, they were calls I looked forward to because it was also a time of bonding between me and my daughter.

A few months ago she moved from out of state back home. She lived with me and her step-dad for a few months before eventually settling about seven hours away, not far from the town I grew up in. It also took her closer to her aunt. While I am glad that she has someone to lean on and someone to offer support when she needs it, it's hard because now she also has someone else to go to for advice and guidance. In a way, I've been replaced and I don't like it...not one little bit.

Now I know what you will say. It's not the same and you're her mom, she will always need you. True. I am her mom and I am sure there are times she will still need me, whether it's just to vent or to share a cute baby story but our relationship has shifted. She doesn't need me anymore the way she used to. She now has another female in her life to offer the support and advice that I once offered. Someone to help her along this road we call life. She has someone who lives close by that can sit and chat and listen to all the things that she is facing as a single mom of five little girls. She has someone who is old enough to have life experience, young enough to be an older sister rather than a mom and who is also a single mom so it's someone who can relate to the same hardships she herself is facing. Sounds great right? For her, it is. For me, not so much.

As with everything else, this is another phase of my child's life that I have to accept and move forward. As the mom of three adult children, there have been many decisions and changes over the years that I have not liked but I have had to accept because they are grown and it's their life and their decisions to make. I am sure my mom felt the exact same way many times as she raised me and my sisters and brother. The thing is, most of those decisions you learn to accept and roll with the flow. You don't care for the shaved head but it's his head, his decision. You can't understand why anyone would listen to that music or watch that tv show but once again, their life, their decisions. It's the decisions that directly involve you...or in this case, exclude you...that you have a harder time with. So what do you do?

Well, if you're anything like me, you cry about it; you complain to your spouse,who listens patiently but seriously has no idea why you're so upset; and you blog about it. Why? Because out there somewhere, in the vast sea of people who actually read blogs, is another mom who is going through or has gone through the exact same thing. Somewhere out there is another mom who has devoted everything she has and is to being a mom, only to turn around one day to find that her daughter has turned to another female for advice and guidance. Whether it's a family member, an older friend or possibly a step-mom, another woman has stepped in to fill the shoes we never knew were vacant...and it sucks! But, as moms, we do what we've always done. We dry our tears, put on a happy face and charge forward with the small (albeit slightly evil) consolation that makes it a little better. One day their own kids will be grown and we will get a phone call from a crying mom saying “she doesn't need me anymore”, at which point we will smile and remind ourselves...she does still need me!

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Another blog about listening…

Have you ever had someone ask you what’s wrong only to have them completely dismiss what you say or how you feel when you do tell them? Why do they even ask to start with if they are just going to dismiss your feelings anyway? This has happened to me on more than one occasion and it sucks!

There are few things worse when it comes to having your feelings hurt or being upset, than to tell someone why your feelings are hurt or what you’re upset about than to have them to tell you you’re wrong for feeling that way. Oh, I’m sorry! I guess I didn’t get the memo of Ways You’re Allowed to Feel When Your Feelings Have Been Hurt. 

The thing is, there are no rules when it comes to feelings. None. Nadda. Zilch. You disagree? Then I’m betting you’re one of those people who ask what’s wrong but then immediately try to fix the situation without truly understanding what the problem really is. Stop it! Don’t do that! It’s rude (and arrogant) and it just makes the situation worse.

If you truly don’t care what’s wrong and just want to avoid the situation altogether then avoid it. Don’t try to pretend like you want to know what’s wrong, only to jump to the defense because whatever is wrong may somehow be slightly tied to something you may or may not have done. If you don’t want to listen…really listen…to what the person is going to tell you, then don’t ask…plain and simple. 

If you do truly care because this person is someone you are close to and someone you love, then ask BUT be prepared to just listen! Don’t immediately become defensive or think you need to somehow fix the situation. Maybe what’s wrong is the fact that you don’t listen. Think of this as an opportunity for you to grow and develop your listening skills. You’re welcome!

I know for me, the injustices are often minor. Maybe it’s just a weird little funk I’m in and something has been said or done that has hurt my feelings. It’s typically not a big deal and something I get over pretty quickly…UNLESS…I tell the person who hurt my feelings and they immediately go into the whole “you always…”, “that’s not true…” or (my personal favorite) “you’re wrong…”. If this is how I feel and they’re MY feelings, how am I wrong? Is that NOT how I feel because, you know, it sure feels like that’s how I feel. Once again, maybe I missed the memo on how I’m allowed to feel in these situations. (shrug)

The point is, if someone you love is upset and you’re going to ask them what’s wrong, don’t dismiss what they tell you. Maybe they are being a little over-dramatic in your eyes but to them, the feelings are very real. When you dismiss their feelings or what they have to say, you’re dismissing them and everything about them. You’re showing them you don’t really care how they feel as long as it doesn’t somehow directly affect you. You dismissing how they feel or telling them they are wrong is only going to alienate them. You’re sending the message that when you say “what’s wrong”, what you’re really saying “what did I do that I’m about to become defensive about and tell you you’re wrong for thinking so please just keep your opinions to yourself”.  

So please, just stop. Stop asking people what’s wrong only to jump to the defensive because you feel this is somehow about you. It’s really not. I know that’s hard t believe because it probably usually is all about you but in this case, it’s not about you. It’s about someone you love, needing to vent or share how they feel, openly and honestly without feeling like they are going to be ridiculed for feeling a way that doesn’t mesh with your ideas , thoughts and opinions. Trust me…your loved ones will appreciate it!