What did you just call me?!

Anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm from the south. All I have to do is open my mouth and it becomes blaringly apparent. Yes, I have all of my teeth...well, almost all of them except for one top pre-molar that was lost due to an accident but you totally can't see it's missing unless I "open wide" so let's just say I have them all for the purpose of this story. Deal? Deal! I also have a very distinct southern accent. While I cannot tell that I have one because to me, I sound just like everyone else (strange, I know) other people assure me I do, so I go with it. A lot of people try to guess where my accent is from and when I finally just tell them so they will stop guessing, they seldom believe me. You see, I'm from the great state of Florida and I currently reside on the east coast of Central Florida. If you're not familiar with our wonderful state, here's how it basically works. Get in your car and start driving north. The further north you go within the state, the further south you get. Head west towards the Florida Panhandle and that's where you'll find my hometown. A tiny, little farming community called Berrydale. I'm a native. A true Florida cracker.

Now growing up in the country is not as bad as some people think. Yes, we may have missed out on a lot of things "city folk" got to experience but I was surrounded by lots of family. I grew up healthy, happy and loved. What more could a kid want?! I also grew up surrounded by chickens, a few hogs, a cow or two, a jackass named Jack (and yes, this is an actual animal and not one of my relatives) plus too many cats and dogs over the years to mention. Things were very simple. Life was simple. The people are simple. Well, some of them are but then there are some that are actually highly educated. Many of my relatives, including me, have some level of college and many work in jobs making close to or over six figures. We are fairly intelligent individuals with the misfortune of speaking with a slight twang or drawl when we talk. Because of this, people tend to automatically deduct a hundred IQ points as soon as we start speaking. To get to the point of this post, you needed to know that so the rest of the story will make sense.

I was recently offered a new position at work which required moving to a different campus and a new office. I have learned over the years that males, for some reason, are particularly fascinated with the southern accent. I sometimes think the only reason I get asked questions at all is so they can hear me try to pronounce big words without tripping over my own tongue. I have also learned this can come in handy. Professional people, especially men, tend to have more patience with women who have a southern accent. I think they just automatically assume that since you speak a little slow then your brain probably works the same way. It's basically, "I'll talk slow so the poor little slow girl can understand me". It's like talking really loudly to people who don't speak English and makes just as much sense. So, when I have difficult tasks to tackle or need help with an especially demanding challenge, I just turn on the smiles, thicken the accent a little and you'd be surprised at how far a "please" or better yet a "pretty please" will get you. I am also surprised when my accent takes things in a completely different direction.

Today I was walking down the hallway when I passed one of the guys I work with and another guy. The guy I work with stopped me to introduce the new guy.

*NOTE: names have been changed to protect the idiots guilty.

Bob*: "Helen, this is John*. John is one of our System Engineers. John*, this is Helen. Helen is one of our CM's and she is also our resident redneck."

(chirp chirp chirp)

WTF?! Resident redneck?! Seriously???  What do you say to that? I can tell you what I would have said if I would not have been in a professional setting with a new employee present. I would have said "WTF?!"(only I would have used the actual words and not the letters). At what point in time did it become "ok" to call someone a redneck? And what exactly is a redneck? As I stood there for a moment, not sure of what to say or do, I kind of chuckled to lighten the moment and not make things even more uncomfortable. I said something to the effect of "welcome to the company" and "I look forward to working with you". I shook John's* hand, smiled sweetly and was prepared to make my get-away when Bob* apparently caught on to the fact that maybe "resident redneck" wasn't the proper term he should have used.

Patting my arm lightly he said, "I'm sorry. Resident redneck probably wasn't the best choice or do you prefer country bumpkin?"

At that moment, something happened to the filter between my brain and my mouth and as I smiled sweetly once again I replied, "That depends. Do you prefer a punch in the face or can I chose my target?".

Luckily John* thought it was funny and I used his laughter as a cover to slip down the hall and out of site. I'll definitely have to lay low tomorrow and hope that no one from HR reads my blog. ;-)