Just between you and me...

These are words I hear on an almost constant basis. Someone has a secret and they just have to tell someone, so for whatever reason, that person seems to inevitably be me. Now don't get me wrong! I'm not complaining...not at all! In fact, it's quite an honor to know that people trust you with their secrets. Sometimes it's friends I have known for years and then other times it's someone I've only recently met. On a rare occasion or two, it's been a perfect stranger. That happened to me a few weeks ago and for some reason, it's been on my mind recently.

So without giving any real details (it IS a secret after all), here's basically what happened.

I was in WalMart ...wait, let's stop here for a moment. As you get to know me, you will find many of my stories start with "so I was in WalMart". If you hate WalMart or have never been, you should go. Trust me! Some of the weirdest/strangest/funniest/that-did-not-just-happen moments usually involve WalMart and the people that shop there. You can thank me later!

So anyways, where were we? Ah yes! I was in WalMart, walking along, minding my own business, when I happened down the candle aisle. As I was standing there, minding my own business, I heard someone say "fresh linen or fresh breeze? what do you think?"

I turned to see who was speaking and who she was talking to and came face-to-face with an elderly lady holding two bottles of the scented warming oil in her hands, looking at me expectantly.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Fresh linen or fresh breeze? I can't make up my mind."

"Oh...I...ummm", I struggled for a moment to get my mind off the thoughts that were crowding it just a few seconds before and tried to concentrate on the conversation.

"Well, I'm not sure", I finally replied. "I guess it depends on which one you like best and what you're getting it for."

She smiled sweetly and started to move away when she turned back and started talking. I'm not sure what she said, something about getting older and it being harder to make her mind up. She started telling me about her children when they were younger and how she took care of them but now they are grown with children of their own. As she continued to talk, her story seemed to pour out of her. She talked of her daughter and son-in-law dying in a tragic car accident and how their three teenage children would be moving in with her. She talked about how she had lost her husband of fifty-something years just two years prior after a long battle with cancer. She talked about all the changes she had to make to life since his passing and how losing him had affected her in so many ways. Then she told me her secret.

As we stood there in the candle aisle, with all the hustle and bustle going on around us, she started telling me how she truly felt. Her worries and her fears; her happiness and tears. She went on for several minutes about things that had quite obviously been weighing on her heavily for some time. She didn't ask for my opinion or advice and I didn't offer it. She needed to talk and she needed someone to listen. That person was me.

When she was done talking, she wiped away a small tear that sat at the corner of her eye and giggled nervously. She apologized for unloading on me and for pouring all her problems on a total stranger. I did the only thing I knew to do. I hugged her. She was hesitant for a moment but then she hugged me back....really hugged me. She placed her weathered cheek against mine and hugged me tight, as if we were old friends saying goodbye, knowing we would not see each other for a long while if ever again. When she stepped back, I said the only thing I could say. "I'm glad I could listen." She thanked me and moved away, the moment gone.

As I watched her round a corner and disappear, I stayed where I was for a moment, lost in thought. I thought to myself "what an odd but also incredible experience". I looked for the woman in the store as I continued my shopping and every so often I will catch myself looking for her again each time I go back to that store but especially when I pass down the candle aisle.  I also catch myself thinking of her from time to time and wondering how she is and what happened to her but mostly I think of the words I uttered in that moment in time when there was nothing else to say....I'm glad I could listen.

How many times have we been in that same position? Something is weighing heavily on your heart and you just need to get it out but there is no one you can talk to. Sure you could call your best friend or your sibling or even your spouse or significant other. But we don't. We hold it in because we don't want to lay our burdens on others. We don't want to weigh them down with the things that are troubling us because we know they are dealing with their own burdens. Mostly, we are afraid. We are afraid of laying everything out there and appearing weak or whiney or any one of a hundred other negative things we think others will think of us if we confess our fears and what weighs heaviest on us. We also worry they won't listen.

How many times in life have we been in a position that we have laid our heart open to others with the hurts and fears we are carrying, only to spend the next ten minutes to an hour or more hearing about how they had a similar experience and all they went through. Or we tell them how we feel and then get a long speech about what we need to do to correct the issue. How many times do we just listen and then say, I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm glad I could be here for you?

The thing is, we are all guilty of doing the exact same thing. Someone comes to us with a problem and we want to make them feel better so we start sharing stories of how we overcame something similar and offer advice on how they could deal with the issue. Advice that is most often never asked for. It's a lot like speaking to someone who has lost a loved one to death and saying "I know how you feel". No, you don't know how they feel. There is no way you can possibly know how they feel because you are not them. No matter if you have also lost a parent, a child, a spouse or any number of other people in your life. Each and every relationship is different. No two are exactly the same, just as no two people are exactly the same. How you feel is just that...it's how you feel.

My challenge to you and to myself is to break free of the need we have to fix things. We have to take a step back from time to time and realize that no matter how heavy our burdens may be, there are others around us that are struggling too. Sometimes people just need an ear to listen, knowing that they can speak honestly and opening about what is weighing heaviest on them. They need to know you will keep their secrets, not judge them for what may be seen as petty or insignificant to you and to just listen. The next time someone needs to talk to you, give it a try. Keep an open mind to what they are sharing with you and when they are done, let them know you are glad you were there and you are glad you could listen. You may be surprised at how much it not only helps them but it makes you feel pretty good too.

Thanks for listening! :-)