Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes...

I have never considered myself as “pretty”. I mean, I know I'm not horrible to look at because small children don't start crying when they see me but as a general observation of myself, I have always considered myself quite plain. I have dishwater brown hair (and yes, that's what I grew up knowing the name of my blondish-brown hair to be) and I have hazel eyes that are neither blue nor green nor brown. I am not tall at only five feet four inches and I have about twenty excess pounds that I seem to be stuck with no matter what I eat and how much, or little, exercise I incorporate into my life. I am just plain old me.

As a rather plain person, I am also not photogenic...at all! I can count possibly eight or ten pictures from my entire life that I actually like. My sister, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. Although she and I look a lot alike, or so we're told, she is very photogenic. I very rarely see a photo of her that isn't great. Whether she is dressed up for a night on the town or has no make-up on and her hair is pulled into a ponytail, the camera seems to find only the good things about her and displays them quite nicely.

This is why a recent event took me by surprise. To know a little more about this, you have to know I am married to the most amazing man I have ever known. He treats me with respect, love and devotion. He lets me know on a regular basis that I am the “queen of his universe” (his words, not mine) and that he loves me beyond measure. And I believe him. I believe that when he tells me I am beautiful, it's because in his eyes, I truly am. He sees me as no one has ever seen me before. He has seen me at my best and my absolute worst and has chosen to still love me and let me know he thinks I am beautiful.

I often joke with him that I wish I could see me through his eyes. Then something amazing happened...I did! Well, sort of. You see, like most people these days, we are the owners of smart phones which means a camera is readily available. I am most likely to snap a picture of one of my grandkids or a place we are visiting or even the food we are about to consume...and yes, I post them on FB for my friends to see. My dear husband, uses his much the same way...except for one tiny difference. He also likes to snap pics of me at the most inopportune times. Whether I am getting ready for work, preparing dinner or just hanging out with friends somewhere, he is likely to snap a pic at any given moment. It wasn't until recently that I truly grasped just how often those moments occur.

After seeing a pic he had snapped of me, I wanted to update my FB profile and thought that picture would work nicely. Instead of selecting that one pic and emailing or texting it to myself, I connected his camera to my laptop and downloaded all of his pictures...all nine-hundred plus! As I scrolled through them and started deleting random pics, I came across several of myself that I never even knew he had taken. That's not what surprised me though. What really surprised me was how many of them that I actually liked. They were mostly candid shots of me around the house or out and about and totally oblivious to the fact that he was practicing his photography skills. For the first time in my entire life, I looked at myself through his eyes...or at least the closest I could come.

I'm not sure why this made a difference. Maybe I was just in a really good mood that day and felt really good about myself in general; maybe it's all of the positive affirmations we have been practicing lately; or maybe, just maybe, I have finally come to accept that despite years of being told I was fat or that someone else was prettier than me or having every single flaw pointed out, I have finally accepted myself for who I am and have come to love the person I have become. Whatever the reason, I cannot describe to you what it feels like to look at a picture of yourself and really, truly like what you see. Will every picture experience be like this going forward? I have no idea. What I do know however, is that I will no longer be so critical of myself. I had years of someone else pointing out all of my flaws, starting with my own father, so from now on I will make a point of looking at myself as my husband does...as someone who is beautiful and worthy of the love that fills my life every single day. It truly is amazing.  

True Love...

A few days a go, I read where a friend had commented on one of their friends' post about “true love”. I don't remember the exact post but it said something to the effect of “true love can only exist when a man and woman are truly committed to...” blah blah blah. While I get what they were trying to say, it made me stop and think about what they DID say...a man and a woman.

As I have gotten older and my views on life (and people for that matter) have expanded, I have come to realize that true love is something that really does know no boundaries. I have also come to realize that as many things that I do know about in life, love is something that still confounds me. I still haven't fully grasped the power and the magnitude of the lines it has crossed and continues to cross each and every day.

All around me, I am surrounded by people who prove this on a daily basis. Within my own family and close friends (people who are like family), I am lucky enough to know couples and individuals who have crossed these boundaries and challenged everything I knew to be true about love. From inter-racial couples, to couples from completely different religious backgrounds and cultures. From same sex marriages, to couples, or perhaps I should say groups, that are part of polygamy relationships. From people who have years separating their ages, to couples who are mere days apart in age. Each and every one of these individuals have forced me to view love...true love...from a whole new perspective.

The thing is, there is nothing new about this perspective at all. From the beginning of time, people have come together from different religions, cultures and races and formed relationships that have stood the test of time. People have been involved in same-sex relationships, as well as polygamist relationships, for as far back as we can tell. So why is it, that each time one of these relationships is presented, do people find the need to poke, prod and ponder it as if it is some new specimen being presented for the first time? Why does society, as a whole, feel there is some unwritten right to place judgement on any of these relationships?

According to Merriam-Webster, love is defined as:

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

b : an assurance of affection <give her my love>

At no point anywhere, does it put ties on this wonderful, beautiful and absolutely amazing emotion. It doesn't say love can only exist between opposite sex or confined to only two people or people of the same religion or race or culture. So why do we?

I don't have the answers and I'm not really sure anyone does. All I do know is that I have come to realize more and more, just how wonderful and powerful an emotion it truly is. I have come to understand that love really does know no boundaries and that to try to put boundaries on something so amazing and wonderful would by the like take a beautiful butterfly, pinning it's wings to a corkboard and then tucking it away in a dark corner, never to be appreciated for the beauty it possesses.

What have you learned about true love?

It's Easter...yay :-/

Easter in Central Florida dawned bright and beautiful. Well, ummm, I think it did. According to all the FB posts from my friends, it was a beautiful sunrise. I don't know because I was trying to sleep. Trying being the key word in that sentence. You see, this fabulous, beautiful, sunny spring day dawned with me being sick...still! I have been fighting a cold for the past week and late last night it finally settled deep in my head. It's not just your typical change of seasons cold where you get the sniffles, sneeze a little and then go about your merry way as the cold meds kick in. Oh no. This is the "sinuses are clogged, you choke on the vile crap that drains into your throat, coughing, sneezing, aching" kind of cold that makes you just want to pull the covers back over your head and wish the world away. Unfortunately, it's also the kind of cold where you are so miserable all you can do is go deep within yourself and have your very own little pity party of how the rest of the world is having a wonderful, glorious day but your life sucks. Yep...NOW do you feel where I'm coming from?

When I finally stumbled out of bed, I felt a little tingle on my lower lip and couldn't help but groan. Making my way to the bathroom mirror, I confirmed what I already suspected. To add insult to injury, I have a nice little cold sore starting to develop. Yay. By this point I knew getting over this crap and having any semblance of a normal Easter Sunday with ham and potato salad and all the trimmings was not going to happen. So, sucking it up and deciding to make the best of things, I dressed myself (which took some effort I might add), brushed my teeth (more effort), combed my hair (yup, more effort!) and grabbed my purse to head to the store for some cold sore meds. By the time I got back from the store, my spirits were a little brighter so I logged onto FB...and that's where things went downhill.

Let me stop here and make a confession. I'm a cryer. Seriously. For no reason at all...well, seemingly no reason to the casual onlooker...I can just well up with tears and my eyes will overflow. Cute puppies? Yup! Heartwarming greeting card commercials? They're the worst! Pictures of my friends and family enjoying the holiday with their friends and family? O.M.G.! THE absolute worst! And today was no exception. FB was filled with heart-warming Easter messages and pictures of all my friends and family enjoying their day together, while I was sitting on the couch, blowing my stuffy nose. Let the waterworks begin.

Here's the thing...I don't begrudge any of them enjoying this time together. Envious? Absolutely! BUT...I am happy they get to spend days like today with those they love most. I just really wish people would stop a moment and truly appreciate how lucky they are. Now...this next part is going to seem like a "poor pitiful me" and in a way it is but it's because if you look at it from MY view, maybe you will see why I feel the way I do and truly wish people would slow down and savor times with their families.

On days like today, I miss my mom...a lot! I miss everything about her. I miss the way she would cook a huge dinner with ham and potato salad and collard greens and any other number of dishes that struck her fancy. I miss the way she would laugh and get caught up in the excitement that made Easter so exciting for us kids. Sometimes I wonder if maybe she loved the various holidays even more than us kids did. I even miss the way she would get slightly annoyed over us being a little too excited and rambunctious, wanting us to calm down just a little. I miss her.

I also miss my kids. Two of them...my two boys...live close by. I don't get to see them as often as I would like because they are grown now and have lives of their own. Oh, I know if I call and ask, they would come see me but I really don't want to be one of those parents. You know the kind. The one that sits and waits for the kids and grandkids to come by, then when they don't, you call and moan about the fact that you never see them anymore so they are now guilted into not doing something they would truly enjoy doing only to go and visit for a little while. Yeah...that kind. My daughter lives several hours away and while I know she would love to visit, she has a full plate as a single mom and making a weekend just isn't in the cards.

So..while others enjoy their day with their kids and grandkids and extended family members, I live vicariously through them. Watching through this little computer screen as I try to contain the tears of happiness and envy that fall, as their lives are played out before me. I just wish I could tell them to stop and enjoy these moments. Enjoy every single smile and laugh and even tear because you never know when you may spend Easter wishing you could be there with them instead of being miles away, curled up on your couch, blowing your stuffy nose, feeling sorry for yourself.

Happy Easter!!!

Saying Thank You...

I was raised in the deep south where manners were ingrained into our tiny little heads from the time we could utter sounds that vaguely resembled fragments of words. No ma'am, yes ma'am, no sir, yes sir, please, thank you or any combination of these such as yes, please or thank you ma'am were as common to our speech as saying howdy to people in passing or shaking the preachers hand on Sunday morning. There were just some things you did no matter what. It's the way I was raised, the way my mother was raised, and her mother before her, and her mother before her, and well, you get the picture.

A big part of "proper manners" was saying thank you. Even if it wasn't something I was particularly thankful for, I was told to always thank someone if they gave me something or do something for me. I was taught it's not the gift that counts, it's the idea behind the gift. If someone takes time out of their life to think of me, the right thing to do is say thank you. The idea of giving thanks is pretty basic... a gift is given, acknowledgement is made (recipient has been made aware of gift and giver's identity) and thanks is given typically in the form of a hug and/or handshake along with a very sincere and heartfelt ”thank you!”. End of story. Or so I thought.

A couple of years ago, I made a major faux pas in giving thanks and was only recently made aware of just how big of a mistake it was viewed by some. In all honesty, I'm still not sure WHY exactly it was a big deal, although I am trying. It all started when Mr. Rambling surprised me by asking me to be his wife. The question was popped, the answer was given (yes!) and plans were made. Things were moving along nicely when another surprise popped up. A surprise bridal shower!

My daughter, who also happened to be my matron-of-honor, drove in from Arkansas and my sister drove down from our hometown in the Florida panhandle. On the day of the shower, I found myself surrounded by family and friends, both new and old. The women who meant the most to me at that time in my life were there to share in the celebration. We played games, talked and had a blast. I was also lucky enough to receive several wonderful gifts...many of them gift cards for some of my favorite stores along with some very nice items for our new home. I was on top of the world and couldn’t believe how very lucky I was to be so blessed. I personally thanked every single person for being there and for the gifts I had received. I posted about the event on FaceBook and thanked everyone again for all of the amazing gifts but more importantly for simply being there for me and showing me how very blessed I was and still am. I felt really good about it...until about a year later.

You see, I'm not a "thank you card" person. Now let me clarify here and say I always say thank you...I just don't send thank you cards.  I never send cards because I much prefer to call someone and thank them personally, or if they are there when I receive the gift, then hug them and tell them right then and there how much it meant to me that they thought of me. For the bridal shower I decided a special occasion deserved special thanks so I purchased thank you cards and sent them out....or so I thought!

You see, the thank you cards for the bridal shower gifts got filled out, put in envelopes and even addressed...they just never made it to the mail box. Somehow, even though I had filled them out and set them to the side and thought I had mailed them, I came across them again a few weeks ago in a box of odds and ends from the wedding. When I remarked to a friend about it and what had happened, I had expected something along the lines of “well at least you found them so better late than never” or “it's been so long now you might as well just forget about it...besides you already thanked everyone personally anyway when you got the stuff”. What I got was “What do you mean you never sent them out?!”.

I explained again and then spent the next forty-five minutes listening to what an incredibly horrible faux pas this was. She even went so far as to point out that some of the things I have been “excluded” from over the past year were not just little oversights as I felt but were actually me being deliberately dismissed from my group of friends. Now I'm not sure about that since I would like to think it would take something more than that to be "ousted" from a group a group of friends but it did make me stop and think about how things like this are viewed by different people. I even spent way more time than I should have searching the internet for “thank you card” etiquette...and trust me, there's a LOT of it out there!

So...how do you feel on this subject? Are thank you cards really that important and do you see the person NOT sending one in a more negative light. Even if the person thanked you personally and sincerely for your thoughtfulness, do you still feel slighted if you don't receive a Thank You card? If so, why?

As for my thank you cards, I am not going to mail them at this point. The wedding and Bridal Shower were almost a year and a half ago and to me, sending them at this point would be just a little weird. What would you do if you were in this situation? I'm very interested to see what you have to say so please leave a comment or you can email me at ramblings.of.a.crazy.woman.4u@yahoo.com and tell me how you would handle this situation. I look forward to hearing from you!

Please let me a comment below and make sure you follow me on Twitter: Helen Miles

@Crazy_Ramblings and like me on FaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/RamblingsOfACrazyWoman.

Your feedback is always welcomed, encouraged and appreciated! Much love and peace to all!

Perceptions

A few days ago, my husband Mark and I were driving along when we came up behind a car that was smoking horribly and really did not look safe to be on the road. Mark uttered a comment about the guy needing to fix his car and I concurred. After a couple of minutes I started thinking about it and thought of how quick people are to jump to conclusions based on very little information. We automatically assumed the man driving the car was the owner and that for some unknown reason, simply hadn't taken the time to fix it. As we talked, we started looking at it from a different angle.

How do we know it was even his car? How do we know that he's not a husband and father who has been struggling to simply get by in a poor economy and there is no money for car repairs? How do we know that he didn't just recently purchase the car because it was smoking but he knows it's a minor issue and is taking it for repairs or to repair it himself? Better yet, why does it matter?

We are often quick to make assumptions about people and go on very few details to form an opinion. The mother who is constantly posting on social sites, telling her friends and family how tight money is and isn't sure how they will make it, yet posts a few days later about getting her hair done or going for a massage. We assume that if she weren't spending money on these frivolities, she would't have so many money issues. How do we know she paid to have her hair done or for the massage? Perhaps it was a gift from a friend or family member.

What about the young mother in the grocery store with an unkempt child? We automatically assume she must be a bad mother if she couldn't even take the time to wash the child and dress him or her properly before taking them out. Perhaps she has been caring for a sick loved one and only had a few short minutes to make a run to the store. Perhaps she just picked the child up from a play date and needed to make a quick stop at the store on her way home. Or worse...what if she didn't clean the child and dress them because she has no home to do so. Perhaps she is living in her car or worse, on the streets and is using the few measly dollars she has to purchase food to get through one more day.

It's very easy to make assumptions on people we come into contact with on a daily basis based on nothing more than what we see. Why do we do that? Why do most of us assume the worse rather than giving people the benefit of the doubt? I know I am as guilty as anyone but recently I have found myself trying to be more objective about people that cross my paths.

The guy racing in and out of traffic may be an aggressive driver but he may also be a husband or father that has received an emergency call and is trying desperately to reach his loved ones. The waitress rushing through her shift and not giving customers the attention they need should possibly chose a new profession or maybe she's just a worried mom with a sick child at home. She couldn't afford to call in but can't wait to get back home. The boss who is snapping at employees and being difficult to deal with may just be a jerk or perhaps he is struggling with a personal issue that is slowly tearing him up inside and he simply has no idea of how to deal with it.

Whatever the reason, we have all been that aggressive driver, that distracted employee or the co-worker that snaps at others for no apparent reason. We don't mean to but for some reason beyond our control, something has happened in our lives that consume us and our actions to the point that we don't stop to think how others perceive us. We assume that people somehow know we have some major crisis going on in our lives and should be more understanding. Perhaps we should be more understanding. Rather than allowing our perception of someone to be based on something very simple that's in front of our eyes, we should take the time to think there is more there than what meets the eye. It's like the old saying goes...when you assume, you make an ass of u and me.

She doesn't need me anymore...

The day it happens catches you by surprise. One day your child is a baby, looking you to fulfill his or her every need, then one day, without warning, they don't need you anymore. They are suddenly all grown up, standing on their own, making their way in the world. How did this happen or better yet, when?!

Some people will argue that they will always need their mom or they will always need their dad but the truth is, there are times when they don't. For me, that time has happened many times over and I'm sure other parents have felt the same. Heck, I'm pretty sure I put my mom through it more times than she could count if she were still here. Most recently though, it seems as though something has changed. This time feels different from the rest. This time, I've been replaced.

When my daughter left home and got married, there were times when I knew she needed to stand on her own and be her own woman. There were other times though that as a new mom, she needed to hear her mom tell her she was doing the right thing or possibly guide her in the right direction. The calls would come at all times, day and night, whether from another room, across town or several states away. Each call let me know that she still needed me and my guidance in her life. Over time the calls became less frequent as she found her own footing and started raising her family. Every so often, a call would still come with a plea for help. Whether it was potty training, sibling rivalry or just a little one asserting her own independence, they were calls I looked forward to because it was also a time of bonding between me and my daughter.

A few months ago she moved from out of state back home. She lived with me and her step-dad for a few months before eventually settling about seven hours away, not far from the town I grew up in. It also took her closer to her aunt. While I am glad that she has someone to lean on and someone to offer support when she needs it, it's hard because now she also has someone else to go to for advice and guidance. In a way, I've been replaced and I don't like it...not one little bit.

Now I know what you will say. It's not the same and you're her mom, she will always need you. True. I am her mom and I am sure there are times she will still need me, whether it's just to vent or to share a cute baby story but our relationship has shifted. She doesn't need me anymore the way she used to. She now has another female in her life to offer the support and advice that I once offered. Someone to help her along this road we call life. She has someone who lives close by that can sit and chat and listen to all the things that she is facing as a single mom of five little girls. She has someone who is old enough to have life experience, young enough to be an older sister rather than a mom and who is also a single mom so it's someone who can relate to the same hardships she herself is facing. Sounds great right? For her, it is. For me, not so much.

As with everything else, this is another phase of my child's life that I have to accept and move forward. As the mom of three adult children, there have been many decisions and changes over the years that I have not liked but I have had to accept because they are grown and it's their life and their decisions to make. I am sure my mom felt the exact same way many times as she raised me and my sisters and brother. The thing is, most of those decisions you learn to accept and roll with the flow. You don't care for the shaved head but it's his head, his decision. You can't understand why anyone would listen to that music or watch that tv show but once again, their life, their decisions. It's the decisions that directly involve you...or in this case, exclude you...that you have a harder time with. So what do you do?

Well, if you're anything like me, you cry about it; you complain to your spouse,who listens patiently but seriously has no idea why you're so upset; and you blog about it. Why? Because out there somewhere, in the vast sea of people who actually read blogs, is another mom who is going through or has gone through the exact same thing. Somewhere out there is another mom who has devoted everything she has and is to being a mom, only to turn around one day to find that her daughter has turned to another female for advice and guidance. Whether it's a family member, an older friend or possibly a step-mom, another woman has stepped in to fill the shoes we never knew were vacant...and it sucks! But, as moms, we do what we've always done. We dry our tears, put on a happy face and charge forward with the small (albeit slightly evil) consolation that makes it a little better. One day their own kids will be grown and we will get a phone call from a crying mom saying “she doesn't need me anymore”, at which point we will smile and remind ourselves...she does still need me!

Make sure you follow me on twitter @ https://twitter.com/Crazy_Ramblings and like me on Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/RamblingsOfACrazyWoman and thanks for taking the time to read my Crazy Ramblings!

Another blog about listening…

Have you ever had someone ask you what’s wrong only to have them completely dismiss what you say or how you feel when you do tell them? Why do they even ask to start with if they are just going to dismiss your feelings anyway? This has happened to me on more than one occasion and it sucks!

There are few things worse when it comes to having your feelings hurt or being upset, than to tell someone why your feelings are hurt or what you’re upset about than to have them to tell you you’re wrong for feeling that way. Oh, I’m sorry! I guess I didn’t get the memo of Ways You’re Allowed to Feel When Your Feelings Have Been Hurt. 

The thing is, there are no rules when it comes to feelings. None. Nadda. Zilch. You disagree? Then I’m betting you’re one of those people who ask what’s wrong but then immediately try to fix the situation without truly understanding what the problem really is. Stop it! Don’t do that! It’s rude (and arrogant) and it just makes the situation worse.

If you truly don’t care what’s wrong and just want to avoid the situation altogether then avoid it. Don’t try to pretend like you want to know what’s wrong, only to jump to the defense because whatever is wrong may somehow be slightly tied to something you may or may not have done. If you don’t want to listen…really listen…to what the person is going to tell you, then don’t ask…plain and simple. 

If you do truly care because this person is someone you are close to and someone you love, then ask BUT be prepared to just listen! Don’t immediately become defensive or think you need to somehow fix the situation. Maybe what’s wrong is the fact that you don’t listen. Think of this as an opportunity for you to grow and develop your listening skills. You’re welcome!

I know for me, the injustices are often minor. Maybe it’s just a weird little funk I’m in and something has been said or done that has hurt my feelings. It’s typically not a big deal and something I get over pretty quickly…UNLESS…I tell the person who hurt my feelings and they immediately go into the whole “you always…”, “that’s not true…” or (my personal favorite) “you’re wrong…”. If this is how I feel and they’re MY feelings, how am I wrong? Is that NOT how I feel because, you know, it sure feels like that’s how I feel. Once again, maybe I missed the memo on how I’m allowed to feel in these situations. (shrug)

The point is, if someone you love is upset and you’re going to ask them what’s wrong, don’t dismiss what they tell you. Maybe they are being a little over-dramatic in your eyes but to them, the feelings are very real. When you dismiss their feelings or what they have to say, you’re dismissing them and everything about them. You’re showing them you don’t really care how they feel as long as it doesn’t somehow directly affect you. You dismissing how they feel or telling them they are wrong is only going to alienate them. You’re sending the message that when you say “what’s wrong”, what you’re really saying “what did I do that I’m about to become defensive about and tell you you’re wrong for thinking so please just keep your opinions to yourself”.  

So please, just stop. Stop asking people what’s wrong only to jump to the defensive because you feel this is somehow about you. It’s really not. I know that’s hard t believe because it probably usually is all about you but in this case, it’s not about you. It’s about someone you love, needing to vent or share how they feel, openly and honestly without feeling like they are going to be ridiculed for feeling a way that doesn’t mesh with your ideas , thoughts and opinions. Trust me…your loved ones will appreciate it!